When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent