i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Lmbo
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.