Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
You Might Also Like
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Iāll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means weāre fighting
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
KATY PERRY: š¶ baby youāre a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRYāS DOG: I hate this song
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they donāt seem to understand freedom
girls will post pictures with āmy day oneššā and itās just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Iām not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but thereās a good chance Iām cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Iām an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was āreal matureā while rolling her eyes in admiration.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[slips the bus driver Ā£20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Just call and Iāll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.