Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
You Might Also Like
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions