How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
me hooking up with my ex
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches