single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.