I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.