Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.