I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
For those that worship cheese..
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Just got to our Airbnb!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter