Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Go girl power!
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
What about a To-Don’t List?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My new favorite headline
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees