people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
🤣🤣🤣
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies