Canada has crack?
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I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.