CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The news
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
something like this could probably happen to anyone