Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Teach your children to beatbox
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter