Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
You Might Also Like
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Not recommended for beginners.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler