Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
You Might Also Like
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.