Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises