I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)