If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
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My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
In space, no one can hear…
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin