The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd