Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?