Pot warmers of the day.
You Might Also Like
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.