Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down