No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
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Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
inventing words: clothing
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*