16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
smartest karate player in the world
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
yeet
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
WHY?!
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it