the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
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*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France