people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
next question.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.