My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.