Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
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Had an epiphany today.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!