Happy Febuary everyone!
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I want to meet the individual who made this
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate