That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway