Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*