(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on