Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
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Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
LA today:
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
wut hotdog?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*