[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
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At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.