Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Just ordered me some pizza!
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog