“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
i did the math
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
mmm onion ringos
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.