On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
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I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Bloody internet 😳
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult