Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!