Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
omg leave her alone
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*