daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.