oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a