A completely valid reaction tbh
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“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Care for your back
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.