I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
If only
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Wikigenius
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks