Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Some people were born into their job.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Okey dokey.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*