It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
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If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
my mind
You just read my mind
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.