So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
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My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.