son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.