swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.