Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves